Not getting there.

As much as I love being mom to my gorgeous and sweet daughter... things have become rather tumultuous to a point where I feel I am completely losing myself to the chaos that is my panic disorder.

The up and downs of withdrawal and trying my best to be an outstanding mother has left a pretty heavy toll on my sanity. I am sometimes detached and being alone with my daughter during an attack has proven to be insanely difficult. I'm shaking... she starts to cry, I put her in a safe place and wait for it to pass.

There have been times where I have to shaking take her into the bathroom and vomit while she wails because she's either hungry or picking up on my vibes. I feel its the latter.

So here I am. Half naked in my car at 3am... hoping this all goes away and typing about my funny brain.

I should be talking about how wonderful and beautiful my child is. How she started laughing a few days ago and smiles at me and her father, she's just an incredibly easy and happy child. She's gripping things, kicks with delights and her coos would make even the hardest people come around with a smile. My child is my everything... and sometimes I feel like the worst mom ever... because I am sick on the head.... because my brain is always like a broken record that scratches and skips. I don't want her to know me as that... and I don't want it to happen to her.