How should I recap 2013? It started off as a year of healing and coming to my senses and realizing truly it was time to move on from Rüdi. There'd be times I'd catch myself thinking of things he'd done or said to me and I'd cry... wondering if anybody would ever be that nice or patient with me again. My best friend moved in December and that was hard.
I welcomed 2012 downtown with a co-worker dodging fireworks, running around laughing and dodging creepy foreign men. We may have gotten the 6am train home that night. In the new year I made new room for a crush in Austria. Only to realize in February I could so easily trust and hurt again. I mostly worked hard and talked to Angie and David in Florida every day. I weaned myself from seroquel and basically isolated myself until April. Every now and then going out with Angie or Anthony and the occasional lunch with Mark Frech. Diana was another constant friend in the times where I was a recluse and my dad was often home with ice cream sandwiches and a good sense of humor.
I did go to London in January for my 29th birthday and that was probably the biggest 2013 highlight (aside from realizing I'd be a mama and having a good hearted dude by my side.)
Work became hostile and the staff became more unpleasant and unprofessional. Reader's Digest version? I decided in April I'd leave in May. By the time May rolled around I realized all the things that were ripping me apart in Germany (people wise) weren't in the least as bad as they had been months prior. I realized I wasn't made of glass, that I didn't break and finally content? The most heart breaking part was this: I wasn't ready to go.
I lost a lot quickly after the move. Freedom, financial stability, my mental stability, my apartment, my dog, my jobs, my car, and a lot of my pride. I don't blame my daughter for this but maybe I wish I had an easier pregnancy and that the sacrifices didn't have to be so great. I wanted to be the bread winner. I wanted to be self sufficient. I wanted the best life for my little family. I kind of shut down for a while. I hated myself and I was/am so home sick.
***
I didn't celebrate the first day of the year eating Chinese food with my dad this year. I slept in and spent most of the day in bed, rather uncomfortable. Its hard to move around. I can't put on my own shoes. My back aches, I have contractions still and Rob needs to help me do a lot. We went to Wendy's because I wanted baked potatoes and spent the rest of the night watching Dr. WHO whilst I took little cry breaks when the pain or panic was too intense. Rob has to hold me up sometimes. I hold on to his shoulders whilst he stands and I just hang from a sitting position on the bed.
The second day of this year, I woke up and talked to my daughter for an hour and she responded with kicks and rubs. Then I had a doctor appointment... took myself out to lunch and had a job interview at 1300. At the end of the interview I was asked, 'can you start tomorrow? You want the job? Its yours!' I enthusiastically accepted... grocery shopped, caught up with Kim to thank her for the wonderful package of baby clothes and earnings for me and then met up with Santi at Caffeine Dreams. The panic attacks started to come in waves, I skyped with Mallory and the rest of the night was a blur.
January 3 has been cold but I managed a good first day. Although I was embarrassed I had to use the toilet every fifteen to thirty minutes. Bryce is a great trainer, I learned a lot and got great feedback. Plus, the clients I did interview were very pleasant. Overall, it was productive and fun. But now that I'm home and all is done... I'm exhausted.
***
I haven't any high expectations of this year. I just hope to see my family at some point. I am excited to meet my baby girl and if there is any resolution I should like to keep from this point on is... to learn patience, worry less and to be a great example for my child; to love and appreciate myself more... never take my loved ones for granted and to love my baby more than anything in the world and make sure she knows her mommy is always there for her.
That's all really. Happy New Year.
No comments:
Post a Comment