I completely broke things off with Ruedi today. He was my best friend since I've been to Germany. It's hard because once it's all said and done EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Even with all that said though, I still see me sitting on the steps all by myself smoking on the steps of his apartment alone... or hiding out in the closet of his old apartment because he said something that made me mad. I know it wasn't meant to be but it didn't make me love him any less and a part of me will ALWAYS love him. I see the good times and the bad and the past few months he's tried to show me only the good. So that's what hurts. He taught me so much about Germany and almost everything reminds me of our friendship, from half the clothes in my wardrobe (stuff that I got to be more girly for him... high heels... dresses) you can't spend a year of your life with somebody and talk to them everyday and all the sudden they're gone.
I know there is somebody better for me out there but there was always a part of me that thought that Ruedi would be best for my children. He's a very good person and he was very good to me but there was always some sort of emptiness I felt with him. Granted, it wasn't always that way but it came to be. It hurts most because he really, really tried these last few months. Sometimes when I walked with him I just felt lonely and I couldn't romanticize in my head the way that I always do and for me... day dreaming is a big part of my life. I dont' know if that's part of my disorder or what.
But tonight, I'm sad. I miss my best friend.
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