Sometimes I feel like a wolf, or that there is a wolf inside of me that just wants to ravage things and tear apart any ounce of happiness I feel. I am violently terrified of contentment. I went to the doctor the other day, it snowed all day and I slept in the waiting room curled up like a little wolf pup. He prescribed me things to help me sleep and they're supposed to help victims of war that are recovering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I told him about some of the dreams that I have been having lately, and they're pretty much been with me since I was 6. They're morbid and awful and I wake up in a sweat screaming with a sore jaw and there is this emptiness swallowing me up in the dark.
I took my first one last night and had never been so terrified to go to sleep. It was like this black sea beckoning me and I was worried of falling into a world of dreamlessness all alone. It should be a relief, right? But I can't feel it. The nights get terribly quiet lately... and I curl up on only one side of my bed cradling a stuffed gorilla, a baby Godzilla and a little tiny bear that Ruedi gave me. He said it has magic healing powers.
The baby Godzilla was given to me by a boy who said he left a piece of his heart in it and the bear was given to me by Ruedi on my birthday, he told me the same thing. But even with these pieces of boy hearts in my arms at night, I can't help but feel alone, like my bed becomes a raft and everybody and everything is so far away and I'm floating away from everybody.
My dad told me there's no reason to feel this way, that I'm one of the most popular people he knows... but not even friends and lovers can chase away the shadows in one's heart.
The other day, I felt overwhelmed. I hadn't slept in over 50 hours and I kept taking all sorts of pills and I was ready to just submit to the black because at that moment I wasn't afraid. I woke up the next day feeling terrible... there was blood everywhere, in my bed... on the floor and all over my clothes. My heart broke a dozen times that day and still does. But I'm managing to stay afloat.
There's nothing quite as painful as seeing the pain you inflict upon yourself affecting others. Ruedi wrapped up my wounds and I could feel and see his heart breaking every time he looked at me. I have this problem with empathy. I was in Texas days ago and just by touching somebody, I could feel his ghosts, the heaviness of his heart and it was overwhelming. I couldn't stop crying. It sounds silly but sometimes I feel like I can absorb all the bad energy people around me feel and it weighs me down and suffocates me. It doesn't make much sense and I can never really articulate what I mean, especially when my insides crushing me.
Crying, really is so stupid. And my Gods, this drug is really pulling me so I know I'm not making sense... you should see my pupils, they look really amazing.
Two hearts... two hearts in my hands. Hearts are always warm and often times? My hands are cold.
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