Baby is growing but I have mostly turned away from a lot of people. The reason being? Honestly? I'm depressed and I hurt and this pregnancy has taken such a toll on my body and mind.
I feel like pieces of me are breaking away and holding them together is like trying to make a sculpture with dry ash. I cry a lot. I sleep a lot... sometimes I do both at the same time. My muscles hurt everywhere and I get panic attacks a few times a day. Those horrifying, debilitating, wretched pieces of doom that just creep into your chest and claw at your throat.
Sometimes I forget to hold my hand to my belly, to cradle my four inches of baby underneath my skin and whisper, 'it'll be ok, little baby, mama's got you ' Mama forgets. Mama feels far away.
There are times when I curl up clutching Rob a d I plead that I don't want to be on Earth anymore, I need a break from my body because this is the worst I've ever felt in my life.
Prescription withdrawal and pregnancy all at once. Its worse than benzo wd. I swear. I feel guilty though because the end result will be so 'wonderful'. Don't misconstrue my message, I love my child and I can't wait to meet them and have my strength back. If I didnt? There are cheaper alternatives. But I hate feeling like this... and it only feels better when I sleep. So I try not to say much and I sleep.
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