We've become ghosts.

And you're not the paladin I thought you were.

I want to write, every day... but I can't pull my head together and think right. They say pregnant women forget things easily because the blood that's supposed to circulate in their head is all concentrated on the placenta. I have no idea if that's fact or fiction but it seems to be true in my case.

I'm on and off my meds again. I listen to one thing but then my body and my gut tells me that I shouldn't be taking these things because it will harm "the baby". I'm 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant and it's still hard to imagine that there is a life inside me... and ACTUAL life, with a heart that's beating on it's own. I put my hand underneath my belly button every now and then and try to cradle my uterus but the "baby" seems very far away... even though we've seen it, even when I feel the changes in my body. It's all a dream still.

I feel like a ghost half the time, or imaginary. I feel like I'm not here, I'm not anywhere... that my old self is hiding somewhere in my mind. I look in the mirror and I don't see me... I just see a pathetic unfamiliar person that's standing where my old self used to stand. I don't know what happened, or what scared me away. I'm a shadow.

Last night, I was watching online tv in bed on my little laptop. One of the characters was shot in the neck and his wife cradled his head and brushed his hair with her fingertips as he died. She told him not to go, that he was her whole world and as she sang one last song to him... he died. It just kind of triggered something. I hadn't heard from him all night and something inside me panicked... I know it's so irrational but I had this thought that maybe he had died, or maybe somebody attacked him on his walk home... and the thought made me shudder. I curled into a ball and lay in my bed until the sun faded and my room got dark. It was then I texted him and got a lackluster response. My sadness and fear turned into anger. I hadn't been angry or worried up until that point and it all morphed into an uncanny frustration at the lack of consideration.

We argued and I decided to end it. Every time I pictured his eyes, they'd meet mine and I'd start to cry. There was a huge heaviness in my heart and I absolutely loathe crying. I just bit my lip, clenched my fists and waited for the night to swallow me up... for the heaviness to lift up and be gone in the morning.

The heaviness, did in fact, go away... but it started to return and sink into my chest as time went on and I realized he wasn't going to say anything at all. Just like that, the anger had returned and all rationality subsided. I asked him to give me my keys and weighed out my worst options. I have a tendency to self destruct and poison everything around me. I don't know why I do it... or why it always is... it just... has always been like that.