Thank Gods Friday is here!

I'm so over waking up at 5am... I arrive at work in darkness and leave when it's even darker than that. I average about 12 hours a day working... two hours in between are spent in transit just commuting there, it kind of makes me miss the medical leave. I fell asleep reading comics last night, I haven't played any video games all week because I haven't had the energy or motivation for it. I seriously... come home and just sit on my bed and stare at the ceiling.

The elementary school children have been infiltrating my classroom due to the winter break and I hate to say it sometimes but they really work my last nerves. Today, I was kind of in this mindset, 'Urgh, it is Friday... whatever.' "Oh, you want to cry because you lost in UNO... you should have played your cards better, kid." "Ok, it isn't Conklin... or teacher, it's Ms. Conklin... and please stop holding on to my legs."

Since all my children were picked up early, I got to spend time in the infant classroom so that was kind of chill. I got to sit in a rocking chair and let babies fall asleep on my shoulders. Earlier was cool because I got to hang out with my little buddies, the two little boys that need me to nanny for them. We ran laps around the gym because the only way I can get them to participate in things is if they hold my hands. I ended up holding lots of hands and running about 50 laps, so I think I'm good on "gym time" today. Who really needs to go to the gym when you're a teacher? Pretending to be stoked all the time is work out enough. Kara let me leave early (30 minutes) because I was supposed to catch a 19.10 train to Innsbruck but I ended up opting for a trip in the morning. Soooo... I'm going to Austria tomorrow. Hooray. I got a hold of my friend Phillip and I guess we will meet in the evening. A sausage party with a bunch of Krauts. My favorite.

I'm so tired, I literally have to take breaks in betwixt paragraphs to curl into a little ball and close my eyes. I'm typing atop my bed, per usual. I do all my gaming in bed and if I'm playing consoles... i'm on my back. I'm so lazy.

It dawned on me today, I've never EVER had to work hard for anything in my life. I think I studied mostly to keep myself busy... which, I like. I never had to try hard at art, singing, writing well... nothing. I just pretend that things are hard so I come off as normal... or, just to join conversations and have something to complain about. I guess the only thing that has ever been difficult for me is facing myself... and dealing with all the angst that comes with it. Being open and honest about how I "really feel". I told somebody today that one of the most vulnerable things for me is letting people listen to my actual "singing voice". I get terrible stage fright and feel exposed when somebody is looking at me and I'm singing... so I always mask my voice. Even in karaoke, which I love. You have no idea, the stage fright I feel when I sing a song that remotely sounds like my actual voice. We have this recording of me singing and I have never watched it... and never will. I don't know, they say it's good but I can't believe people, even when the karaoke machine said I scored a 100. (I was the only person at Nodebong that did that.) That's just one of the weird things about me that I can't really explain. Also, the things that I have to disregard in terms of other people, especially if I like them. But I can't talk about that here.

Anyway, black metal makes me really, really sleepy

.

Nini.