New Years Kisses.

Were given to girls only. I think Erin and Angie were the only ones that I willingly gave friendly kisses too. Last night, some creep show from Switzerland cornered me at The Tequila Bar. I gave him my shot because I didn't want to drink and this other weird German guy kept giving me drinks. He told me I had to kiss him on the cheek. I figured, "What the hell? It's a new year..." He grabbed my face and started putting his tongue in my mouth. I used palm strike and got to use what I learned in Wing Tsun and then Erin and I ran out. I didn't like all the people around... but I figured this year I deserved better than sitting on the S1 during countdown.

I stopped taking my "nini" medicines last night. I guess you could say weaning myself is probably the closest thing I have to a new year resolution. (Read more... get happy.) My sleep was awful and I have a HUGE BUMMER of a headache. I got some supplements that should help me deal with the WD. I used L-tyrosine when I cut myself off of benzos. I'd use GABA but it would interfere with my other medications. Slowly but surely, I think I can do this.

I keep thinking about all the things that aren't fair. Time, circumstances... trivial things like money. I have never really wanted money in my life... I just wanted to do something meaningful and to be happy while doing it. It's not too late, I just have a lot of things to figure out.

I still get impulsive but I have been mastering the art of stifling. I've been asking myself what I believe in anymore, and although I used to believe in God, some sort of higher power, I can't grasp my hands around it. It's liberating and empty feeling at the same time. You know? There are times where I just don't want to be attached to anything. Because if you don't attach to anything you're impenetrable and nothing can hurt you ever. I know it sounds, crazy... I know I sound crazy. But that's just how my brain works. I think that's why I felt so connected with the men in New York because they loved to listen to me talk, I felt like they were the only ones that connected with me because of the way my mind worked. They didn't judge me. As young and as inexperienced as I know I am... and how they felt I wasn't. I realized the connection tonight, they're just as directionless as I was. When I sleep, they're always very symbolic and hauntingly disturbing. I can never move in these dreams... and I'm always far away and about to embark on a strange adventure.

So many guys have been asking me to run away with them... but I've been running away for years and I'm tired. It was never productive. I learned a lot from these experiences and I know what not to do in the future.

I'm tired in general, I'm growing... at least, I think I might be. It's so confusing. I have so much shit going around in my head... Erin and I walked around Ehningen for a bit and tried to talk about it but mostly I just wanted to sit and wait for my head to stop pounding.