I can't even

talk about the things that have been happening with me lately because I can't make sense of them. I will love it here and then hate it. I'm not sure which one I'm in right now.

I went out with Joche tonight because I thought doing something was better than sitting at home alone with my thoughts. It was actually pretty fun. We just sat on benches at Schlossplatz and bullshitted over Gluewein.

After work, I started to feel like shit. The day couldn't have been worse. One... I had to work at a school I don't normally work at. Two... they put me in a class where I was alone with toddlers. (They didn't even tell me their names or what was going on. I had to ask the kids... and well, they couldn't talk.) Three... four of the kids had diarrhea... D:

Last night was kind of rough because of something that happened between Michelle and I. Don't get me wrong, she's my best friend here... but sometimes when people drink they get out of line and cross boundaries that should never be crossed. She aired out some of my dirty laundry in front of my dad and her husband. I would never do that to somebody, regardless of how much I drank. There are some secrets you don't like the world to know and I basically stood up and said, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GOD DAMNED HOUSE!" and walked away and managed to sprain my finger really badly. Other than that? Thanksgiving was damned fun despite very little sleep.

I've been experimenting with my medications, or rather, trying to wean myself off of all of them. I did it for two days and was drained and exhausted, I knew I had a lot of things to do before the Thanksgiving Festivities, so I popped two adderall and stayed up cleaning. It was fine until I started to get really moody and feel really bad about myself and situations happening.

I've been hanging out with Ruedi as well. I can't talk about it. I can't tell you what's going on. I try to think about it... but my brain doesn't let me... or I'll start to think all of the wrong things. I want to be his FRIEND because we were never friends when we dated. I... I can't talk about it. I'm sure it's because my head is still a mess because of the withdrawals and then the reintroductions, the lack of sleep and my stupid period.

I love it here... I hate it here. I can't tell which or what's going on.