Tonight...

my heart hurts and I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking of her. Last year, I learned what it felt like to have your heart shatter into so many pieces that your soul starts to collapse... and black hole within yourself. It was the day my grandma died... the day the Earth kept moving and I couldn't stop it. My grandma is gone, you can't move Earth! YOU can't go on like everything is ok, we're short! Something is missing! The universe isn't right. It's not fair. I can't breathe, something has been taken from ME... how are you standing when I can't even walk?! Why is the sky still blue? How can birds be singing, don't they know?! She existed. She was here and now she is gone!

I've seen it in movies, where people just collapse from grief and I never thought it was real. I thought it was a melodramatic attempt to pull at the heart strings of your audience and put a lump in everyones throats. But it's real. I felt it, a grief so great it could knock you to the ground. I remember reading the email as I was being driven to work by my boyfriend. "Grandma passed away a few hours after I got here." I was screaming, "NOOOOOOOO!" over and over and over. He had to pull over and hold me. I felt like something was being ripped from my core and it hurt more than I knew things could hurt. I'd go numb and then it'd hit me in waves throughout the day and WHAM, it'd knock me to the ground and put me in fetal position. Please... somebody take this hurt away, I can't take it... get it out of me, get it off me! I barely remember how I got through the days and I don't remember when it was that I actually stopped crying daily. I still can't watch her tribute video without crying. And tonight I'm sleeping on the couch so I can try to stifle sobs and let my boyfriend sleep.

I've been dreading this day for weeks... and not thinking of it for months. Just yesterday, I could say to myself, "She was here last year and she loved me on this day, one year ago." It's such a stupid thing, really... it's just time, a stamp... but it's hard to think that a year has passed and that "last year, today... she left. last year today... she wasn't." Last year, on this day, I cried a over a thousand tears and the pain never stopped... and it's still here.

I think she was too humble to realize how much better she made the world and the impact she's had on the people who knew her. How she always, ALWAYS, made me want to be a better person, if only to become half of what she was. They say grief never truly goes away... but over time it wears a different face.

you existed. you were here. you are remembered and still very much loved...

so that everyday can almost be like "you're here." Grandma, last year... today, you weren't... but today and everyday until I am not... you are... always, always loved.