Cappucinos under umbrellas...

I love it when it rains. I love the relaxed atmosphere and wanting to curl under blankets. It's a time when one can succumb to fantasy and everything in the world seems to be still and it's just you and the rain. My day was hardly productive and that's ok because it's Thursday and tomorrow, I have my modeling shoot and I want to be well rested and relaxed. I felt a great deal of anxiety about the shoot but now I'm just relaxed. I think I needed the rain... it's the ultimate calm. Most people get bummed out on rainy days but I love them.

I talked to my old roomie Dakota for an hour today. Read for at least an hour. I got a pedicure that took one hour. Sat in the rain nursing a cappucino for one hour. I watched one episode of Doctor Who and ate a doner and that took... one hour and everything else I've done have been in increments of 60 minutes. Wander the city for an hour... sit on the couch contemplating for an hour, stretch and do yoga... one hour, catch up on emails for an hour. And write... write... write... dance, music. There's so much things you can do to fill up the hours in a day.

For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace and I'm not uptight, anxious or angry... I wonder if this signifies that great things are to happen or, it might just be the calm before the storm. Who knows? Who cares.

Last night, I dreamt that I was on a ship... and I watched all my old ships that I used to live on, back when I was working on a cruise ship... and I felt both helpless and at peace. There was singing in the background. The same dreary and ridiculous song we had to perform every Friday night before our passengers had to disembark. "This is your home... away from home. You are a part of our family." It was as if the record kept skipping after that particular phrase and I sat on the mooring deck starboard.... looking at the waves and I was crying. I reached into my pockets and there was nothing in them, the waves kept on crashing as we sailed further and further away from dry land. Whale watching before my morning shifts, leaving trails of blood from port to starboard because I'd fall up the same stairs everyday. Ooooh, I miss that life. I miss being a sailor. It was the first time in weeks that I woke up cold, as well. Typically, I'm awakened in the middle of the night by nightmares and I'm drenched in sweat. I woke up shivering... grabbed Ruedi and folded myself into his arms and had a dreamless sleep afterward. No ships, no ocean... just calming and inviting black. Everything was in the right place, as it should be. But I haven't been able to get that tune out of my head...

"This is your home... away from home..." FUCK. I miss being a sailor. I miss my sea legs and the beautiful Hawaii sunsets. I propose a toast... here's to you, Sea Legs. What's home anyway? I remember, in sick bay... there used to be a sign that I loved. It read: Home is where you drop your anchor.

I think I miss adventure. My biggest adventure cities? Los Angeles, Honolulu, and Manhattan. Shiiiiit, I miss that. Living off granola and yogurt, paying for coffee with smiles, wandering, wandering, wandering. I can tell you with a certainty when I was off adventuring in my youth I felt every possible emotion except boredom. I never ever ever felt bored. Hungry, broken, ecstatic, yes... but never ever bored my mind was too big for boredom. I wonder what happened. I don't give a shit about money... except for the fact that I hate it and it's absolutely necessary like Kristen was explaining in her blog. I just want to get paid in food and baby gorilla or orangutan hugs. I want to spend my days in a hammock reading and tending to them, giving them mohawks and tickling them under their arms. Why isn't this everybody else's dream as well?