Panic attacks are what make me... me.

Last night, was supposed to be wonderful. In fact, it had every opportunity and every variable for it to be wonderful but the cold and cruel truth of that matter is, it was the farthest thing from wonderful. I felt like I got sucked into a parallel universe and I was a small dim of light encompassing this enormous body where everything around me was horrendous and unsafe. It was supposed to be a long night at the museums. You pay 16 euros a piece and you can visit all the museums in Stuttgart until 2 in the morning. A dream come true, right? WRONG!

In the second museum, my body began to fire up, my legs felt weak and I felt like every ounce of strength in my body was running from the furthest corners of the city to be away from me. People were not people, they had no souls, they made the most awful noises and everywhere I went they were there. I cried on the benches... I had to run off the bus... and even after a 15 minute pep talk, I returned on the bus only to cry and wish that I had been somewhere else. I couldn't stop the beating of my heart. It was as if it was trying to jump out of my body. My mind started to go nuts, I thought that I had been poisoned... losing my mind, I was very aware of every medication in my body and all I wanted to do was take some benzos to calm down. It wasn't until I tried to lay down in the park crying that Ruedi said, "ok, you can take a little bit." Then we headed home. I saw maybe 5 minute of the natural history museum before I started to suffocate. On the walk home, I couldn't look at anybody or their faces especially. I could only look at the ground and tell myself... "a few more steps... a few more steps. this is the scariest thing you've been through in a while but you can do it." After a while, I began to be scared of everything... even Ruedi. I came home and put towels on my neck and hid out on the bathroom floor and waited for it to pass. It wasn't until I started to obsessively wash my feet that the feelings started to subside. I went to bed shaking and trying to welcome sleep like an old friend....

to this date... I can't explain it... what happened or why my mind did what I did... but I hope it stops and soon. The panic attacks have been so frequent lately that I think I'm developing social anxiety.