and that means that everybody that is trying to be a part of my life is falling victim to my constant babble and when I dream they're always messed up... and I just push people away because all I want to do is get in fights.
I had a dream about my friend in New York, my hero Zee, in Brooklyn. He was amongst my favorite people to be around in New York and probably ever. It's funny because a few weeks ago when I was taking kung fu classes he texted me and said, "We really do need to run away together. I hope I see you in Japan. We would be trouble there, ha ha, kick ass girl. I like the way you think." I told him I just wanted to feel good and healthy. He said, "You will babe and you'll be free. Good things are coming to you."
The dream was like an old daguerreotype at first and then it shifted as if we were staring at the world through a Helga Viking lens. We had our backpacks and we were hopping on trains and staying in all these rooms. Well, something happened... there was an earth quake... and people started to take him away, and papers were falling all over the ground. When the papers fell... the earth cracked. We were in a room. Zee looked so angry. There was a girl, with her clothes falling off, her hair messed up and she'd clearly just had sex. He just started screaming at her, "How could you do this to me?" It must have been an old girl friend... but I grabbed his hand and we took off. We hop on a train... and we're back in the country. He was ok, everything started disappearing except for the grass. He hops over some cliff... and turns around and says... "Make the jump, Bree... make the jump." But I just stood there and sat down. He comes back and sits with me... and we hold hands. I pull my hand away and say I have to go. He looks sad... and says nothing. It was like a scene in Norwegian Wood by Murakami. I'm just sitting there and crying because I don't know why I have to go. I don't know what it means.
And then I wake up and feel horribly depressed... I can't get that grass out of my head and why are all my dreams Murakami themed anymore? The lasting ones, anyway.
"The sad truth is that what I could recall in five seconds all too soon needed ten, then thirty, then a full minute-like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, the shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it: my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where Naoko used to stand-ever more distant from the spot where my old self used to stand. And nothing but scenery, that view of the meadow in October, returns again and again to me like a symbolic scene in a movie. Each time it appears, it delivers a kick to some part of my mind. "Wake up," it says. "I'm still here. Wake up and think about it. Think about why I'm still here." The kicking never hurts me. There's no pain at all. just a hollow sound that echoes with each kick. And even that is bound to fade one day."-Haruki Murakami/Norwegian Wood
and I don't know if it has to do with my real life or what... because I'm dating this really, really great guy and I like him a lot but at the same time. My legs are stuck... and I'm watching these boys take the jump while I'm just staggering behind and waving.
I am an Atheist but I never decline other's prayers for me. Although I don't believe that there is some invisible man answering all of these prayers, I do know that the act of prayer is a positive thing for the person praying. Just the thought, the idea, the realization that they are praying for ME, knowing that they care enough to take time to do this, albeit for "nothing", fills me with positivity as well. This is a healthy thing. You don't have to have belief in a deity to have faith in your fellow humans. When you feel the love, that can heal you if only in "spirit". <3 and hugs, Lufi
ReplyDelete