Not sleeping... is not good.

I was cramming for my test today when Sid was sleeping and it just hit me... there's something in eyeballs... what's this? TEARS?! Haley came over and put her head on my lap and I told her to go away and that made me cry even harder. So she kept coming over and I hugged her, "I can't sleep... I have this test, I have this test. I'm sorry I was being mean." and ha ha, I kept crying and crying... and looking at my books and writing things down. What a sight, huh? *stop* *breathe* *highlights word* *cry* *incoherent babbling that doesn't matter because I'm talking to a dog* Homer is outside, pawing at the window and whining. I take Haley, put her outside... place my head between my books and cry for about ten minutes.

I don't do very well when I'm tired. I think this is what ruined me in Hawaii, my brain can't handle it and I've been going at this for weeks.

Sid wakes up, we dance around and I forget. I rush to school after work, ace my test and am so tired I can't find where I parked my car on campus. For a field trip? We go to the Hindu temple for a field trip. As I walk up to every shrine I'm just completely overcome and I feel like shit. I get so dramatic when I'm tired and my hormones attack me. Like my boobs feel like 8 balls. I'm a werewolf for a week out of every month and I usually lock myself away.

it was particularly bad last month, when my brother was lost in san francisco and i thought he was dead. i'm pretty sure i cried for like an hour.

Then I call Alex up, and I'm laughing while I'm telling him about my day and how ridiculous it would look if there was a nanny cam to capture these moments, of me coming undone. Alex and I laugh for a while... I'm cry/laughing. "I'm tired, dude." and then I tell him how I talked to my ex from NY all because of my hormonal infused dreams. I start crying and he reminds me of the time when Steve and I first broke up, "You didn't cry... we had fun. You left that sad in Hawaii." "And guys know when you're using them... so stop doing that shit." I don't mean to. I think I just get bored. I mean, it's silly now and it was silly even when I was upset about it and I know it's silly but I can't stop my mouth sometimes... and I'm laughing and crying all the same. Unbelievable. LOL He reminds me too, "Dude, it's probably the adderall. You're doing really well, and never think you're not pretty enough or your body doesn't look good and your grades aren't good enough. I think you put too much pressure on yourself... and the truth is... you're doing awesome. You're beautiful and smart and you have a great body. That guy isn't worth your time. Wanna practice arena and get you some epics?"

I laugh... yeah. Let's do it.