I'm coming to the startling conclusion...

that this year, I am undoubtedly a loner. By no means, do I think that this is a bad thing nor do I feel sad about it. It isn't like I'm excluded from invites to participate in activities... it is simply based on the fact that, I do not want to be included. I am not easily engaged by such trivialities anymore, aside from the occasional video game.

I'm much more focused and concerned with getting the best out of my education and preparing myself for the life that I've always envisioned for myself. For the time being, I'm done with being a vagabond... and now that it's spring break I'm realizing how little people there are that I genuinely care about. Lately, there are two people I talk to on a daily basis... and that's Marilyn and Alex. They are some of the select few that truly respect my ideas and really 'know' me. In Omaha? Although, there are tons of people that I communicate with, there is only one person that I actually consider my friend and that would be Tom. Who coincidentally is a loner, as well. Marilyn and Alex? Also, loners. Kristen? Also a loner. Although we're surrounded by tons of people and get a lot of recognition, who really understands us? Alex always says, "You and I live on the same planet. Nobody gets us! Ha ha. We are so awesome."

I was thinking about this friend that I had, one who I hung out with on a weekly basis before the new year came to be... and tonight I realized something. He's not my friend and he really doesn't know piss about me and although, I've tried to salvage what I thought was a meaningful friendship, there really isn't a point and there really isn't a strong foundation to even muster a new and improved friendship. I always thought he was a fun friend... and at one point I started to really like him but I hate liking people and generally try to destroy things when my emotions are compromised. Now that they aren't? I still try to talk to him like a normal person but he's non-compliant. I think he's self-absorbed and buys into this fantasy that I want him more than I actually do... and he goes about telling people this. I thought about ending every text message I sent him with "by the way... I love you." Just to be a prick... but I decided I couldn't be bothered so I decided to never contact him again, which sucks because when he was my best friend and I would have liked to see him around later in life so I could be like, "So I'm pregnant! Woah, what the hell?!" or whatever such bullshit people catch their friends up with. I used to really enjoy joking around with him and having his company... but whatever. People's egos get in the way, they get too inflated and they lose sense of reality. I think, also, he doesn't understand that... the way I joke around with him? The way I talk to him, is how I talk to ALL of my male friends. I even heard from several sources about several lies he involved me with. I never said anything but they were pretty outrageous and hearing that it came from his mouth was unfathomable. If he did though? I don't care anymore.

Like I've said before, I just want to do well in school, be a good nanny... have a firm grasp on my goals and make them happen... the best friend thing just kind of bothered me so I felt inclined to speak on its behalf. I'm pretty bored with drama. I have a new phone number, and I'm only going to give it out to a handful of people and I'm only going to program those people in, I don't really care about anybody else... and I don't care to be in contact with them either.

In my political science class, I stand alone in my beliefs. A majority of the class is obviously republican... or you'll have your center rights and center lefts but I stand alone on my democratic standings. I mostly lean toward socialistic ideologies because my standing has always and will always be to fight for the equality of all people. So they have to raise our taxes? Raise my taxes... double them, hell if it is to benefit those who couldn't stand a chance without a reform, you bet I'm all for it. I also think a lot of times how our society would run if in modern times we dealt with a constitutional monarchy or if our system was following the parliamentary system as opposed to the presidential system. It isn't that I have animosity towards our country, I just choose not to be ignorant to the fact that we are in dire need of reform all around America. Our system is skewed, smaller parties don't even have voices... if we even went parliamentary in America, people who voted for Nader would feel like they had a voice to an extent. I don't know, if you want to talk about it... we can talk about it. Because I might just end up writing paragraphs upon paragraphs... and what would that do?

Rilke stressed the importance of solitude... and I think it's absolutely beneficial for transitioning and growth... and I can be stagnant right now, socially anyway... I've been academically and professionally stagnant for years. I still am looking forward to things to come, and short term things to look forward to? A friend of mine is coming to visit me from New York at the end of May... and a week after that I'm going to spend a week or two with Alex in Los Angeles. There are always things to look forward to.

The happiest I felt all day was having a fevered baby sleeping peacefully on my stomach... the silence actually felt welcoming, and as I held him this little body, these little arms that wrapped around my rib cage... I fell fast asleep, a short but dreamless sleep... and when I woke up, I felt great and Sid's fever had broken. I have been appreciating all thing seemingly small and insignificant lately.

I'm tired... I can't think coherently.